I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You Might Also Like
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
not seeing the problem
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?