Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Body by cheese-puffs.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
When you let grandma cat sit
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT