I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“I got your back”
“And I got your nose”
“Ooh I want his feet”
Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.