I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.