[talking to a girl at the gym]
me: [nervous] so do u work out
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.
I wanted to call her on it.
…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.
Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”