God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“I wouldn’t.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls