“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
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About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway