“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens