I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?