In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
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you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
me when the borders lift
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
The Backseat Boys
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids