I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
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I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
They’re the worst 😩
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.