I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Children of the corn 🌽
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry