I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

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Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.


Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]


People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop


People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”


First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.


If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.


My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”


My kid’s teachers asked me to please stop helping them with schoolwork because it’s bringing their grades down


Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.