@stanleybehrman

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

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@adamgreattweet

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

@MaybePileJokes

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

@pleatedjeans

[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read

@tsm560

If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.

@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@AnniemuMary

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

@_mindflakes

Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory

@BoogTweets

*Full parking lot*

Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!

*spot opens up*

Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!