I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory
*Full parking lot*
Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!
*spot opens up*
Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!