@stanleybehrman

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

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@Lisabug74

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

@Ygrene

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

@dreadnaught69

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

@ItsAndyRyan

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

@junejuly12

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

@YourMomsucksTho

My kid’s teachers asked me to please stop helping them with schoolwork because it’s bringing their grades down

@stephenjmolloy

Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.