I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Cats (2019)
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.