I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
idk what this dog had been going through but same
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff