I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.