I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’m dying louder than usual today.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Favourite diary entry ever