I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost