@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

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@netw3rk

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

@Spiritsoko

Cat knocks over coffee

Me….
Cat….
Me…
Cat….
Me: well?
Cat….
Me….
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
Jumps down

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

@Smooheed

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@iwearaonesie

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

@2tickytacky

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”