ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
You Might Also Like
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Cat knocks over coffee
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Great. There go our Oreos.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-sober person thingy
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”