I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over