I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

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*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”


The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.


Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.


Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.


[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]


I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.


me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates