I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit