I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
ibopfufen
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.