Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
some things should go without saying
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“i am a sweet baby”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?