I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Florida be like…
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then