@LostCatDog

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

You Might Also Like

@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@minkpinkustink

I’m very funny when I’m not sobbing hysterically I’ll have you know

@AnOrangeSNES

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

@iamjohnsarris

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@Julian_Deane

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

@bossy_bootz

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

@primawesome

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

@squirrel74wkgn

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

@Cherhole

There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.