I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?