I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.