“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
You are not alone 💚