I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
When I said I liked it rough.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!