@TankCesar

I deserve butter.

(not a typo)

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@ThaJawn

Nice horse!

“It is a race horse”

Sorry, I don’t see race

@GianDoh

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

@lawyerthoughts

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@WilliamAder

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

@bestlizard

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

@xosm

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

@Reverend_Scott

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

@djdarrellripley

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.