this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My dad.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume