“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.