I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
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[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.