I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.


My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.


[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*


*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*


Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets


I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*



At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your

Me: 40ish


Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.