I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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Breaking: Fox News reports Obama is no longer a suspect.
My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
At Toys R Us:
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.