A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Florida man
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl