I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who