Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Not today, today.
Not today.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills