i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat