I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*lint rolls you awake*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!