To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.