Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

SCARY COSTUME

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

my nickname in college

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies