(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.