@paprikapancake

I did not say your baby was ugly. I just asked what happened.

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@CantWaitToNap

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

@swiftenhaal

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

@LoSucks

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

@Browtweaten

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

@thatfinguy

Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.

@NakedHangover

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

@JustinGuarini

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

@briangaar

The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl