I did not say your baby was ugly. I just asked what happened.

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When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.


Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish



Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers


You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn


I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.


God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually


Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.


I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.


Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.


The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl