I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.