MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised