I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
🤣🤣
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.