[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING