@heytherecore
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
@justabloodygame
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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@heytherecore
@SamuelHLowe
If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
@SolelyB
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
@tweetsbymoon
octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
@PleaseBeGneiss
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
@WiseguyPictures
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
@AnOrangeSNES
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
@rolldiggity
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
@DanMentos
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
@LurkAtHomeMom
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING