Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mendigurl

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

@daemonic3

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

@batkaren

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling

@abysmalkittybee

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring

@elliepeek

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

@foxxy311

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

@jazz_inmypants

[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet

@Hmmm_er

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe