“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

You Might Also Like


Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.


[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”



[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.


I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling


I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.


John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring


I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…


My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.


[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet


She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe