“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
cats when you pet them too long:
Does this dress make me look cat?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe