“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.