“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder