My dad is at it again
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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.