I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
just got my engagement photos
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”