I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Found my door mat
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.