Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.