I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle ๐Ÿ™

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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…


ron weasley: i have to use old books

harry potter: wow

ron: and torn up shitty clothes

harry: yuck lol

ron: would be crazy if my best friend had a vault full of gold and could maybe help me out a little

harry: ya lmao that would be crazy


Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”


Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh


I’m eating the last of the pizza rolls but I’m puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it’s like to get their hopes crushed.


ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough


Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.


[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”


Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.