@trevso_electric

I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle ๐Ÿ™

You Might Also Like

@djdarrellripley

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

@leakypod

ron weasley: i have to use old books

harry potter: wow

ron: and torn up shitty clothes

harry: yuck lol

ron: would be crazy if my best friend had a vault full of gold and could maybe help me out a little

harry: ya lmao that would be crazy

@jilleb163

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

@4ndBest

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

@SaltyCorpse

I’m eating the last of the pizza rolls but I’m puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it’s like to get their hopes crushed.

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

@KeetPotato

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

@RyanKeith15

Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.