Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.