I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁

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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?


Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.


A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.


I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.


Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people


Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.


Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.


[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?


“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”