I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”