I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.