@Quartzjixler

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

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@ArfMeasures

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

@Brampersandon_

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

@pinningnut

N: Why are you picking up rocks?

M: I’m starting a rock band.

Neighbor walks away.

That is how you get people to leave you alone.

@phalguy

I’ve got 99 problems,
but my OCD wants one more.

@ArfMeasures

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

@psybermonkey

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

@outsmartedmommy

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.